Efficiency and time

I have often cited my lack of time as a reason for my failings. But it could of course be that I have not perfected the art of efficient doings. Intuitively it seems that its a mix of both things but I will do well not to ignore either when picking my commitments. After a breakdown and a consequent flurry of forced reasoning, I have to learn to learn about these things and I have to formulate a working model soon. With my recent excitement in the formation of certain key opinions, I have to say that they do not have very good backings. Most are born of convenience. Some of feeling (Almost never good). I might have allowed myself to think that I could live with these carcasses but I have to realise that opinions should change with new knowledge and processing. And I should practise that. I keep thinking of my stupid actions I had done up until  now and fear irrationally that I will repeat them. I have irrational beliefs too. I am going to embark on quest to rationalize aspects of me that should be rationalised. Feelings lead to stupidity. Very rarely is that actually admissible.

Alot of things on my mind lately. Issues of money in relationships, Parenting/How what huh? do i tell my parents, Conformity/Creativity/Governance, Startups,?!?!?????!?!?!?  More specifically, how the fuck do I deal with staying over at people’s places?? Do I give them money? gifts? Or hope that they know that I would of course return the favour? Or that they shouldn’t be expecting such stuff if what they are displaying is genuine? Is it wrong to make use of people’s goodwill like that? I do not know the customs, their thoughts or what gifts to buy them (expensive? tacky? genuine?!?!????!?). I have seen relationships go to ruin because of gift ‘exchange’ or rather the use of gifts to barter a service. A trade cannot be sustained in a relationship when people are so ready to monetize and sell off their relationship. It hurts to see good intentions go to waste, disgustingly fake promises being made.  But the question is when to draw the line? I feel like that’s something I have to talk to someone about.

What should my parents know? Perhaps I have to characterise them with whatever knowledge I have before I can hope to tackle this question. I could attempt to draw on my limited and tainted memory or seek knowledge elsewhere (for example by talking to them? getting into the mind of an ‘Indian’ ? )

The other things on my mind seem to stem from curiousity to help quell some of the uncertainty that has been going around in my head. I do not like the courses I had taken. Very few of them were good and even then some of them were brought down by principles I detest. (A product of institutional policy or lack thereof?) From what I see, Georgia Tech does not have a strong ‘mission’ other than preparing people for jobs. Which happens to be incredibly depressing. Education should be a mixture of skills and knowledge of a broad kind. Learning how to trim branches off a tree only when using a ladder of immutable height is not really useful when the tree grows. The key here is to assume that the ladder off a different height is not easily attained without ummm broad knowledge. That was a bad analogy which hopefully i’ll fix sometime. That being said I cannot underestimate the creativity or potential of people at this institution. But seeing a shitty structure leak and punish all ‘mis-directed’ efforts is (depressing really but that is probably because I am depressed and so I will think of another adjective for the sake of variety and the hopes of me being in a better, varied state capable of multiple nuances of multiple emotions) saddening (Don’t judge me).

The ‘corporate’ ‘slave’. I am scared of becoming one and I am looking at startups as an alternative way to escape from this. Assumptions at this point are that I would be interested in a thing that could be monetised, startuping would be better than work in terms of what I want/ wish to accomplish. These are things I have to think about deeply, alongside the issue of what the fuck I actually want to do. I cannot hope to find answers to these incredibly urgent questions anytime soon. The urgency should not bring about a half-assed assessment of things but I have to go down either or both paths soon. I do hope that I will realise the point after which my personal experience would be what would help decide. I see that as a necesssary hope, a hope placed in myself who I believe to be the only thing I can trust in or forgive completely.