Same old same old. Thinking about when to start thinking instead of actually thinking about things. 

A reflection

Made almost no progress towards my goals. I have to implement a routine soon and consistently. Reflecting on my past failure is good but wallowing with it constantly beating on my head…not so much. Giving up on hard problems temporarily is ok. Maybe I don’t have the necessary intuition or knowledge to tackle them. Learning something new would help me more than repeating the same lines of thoughts and meeting deadends. Expecting myself to be able derive basic principles is unreasonable given that my mathematical intuition is terrible really.

I should exert control over my habits. No more alcohol. It doesn’t help me study or understand things. Gravure is an improvment but not much. I have to get rid of that too. Treating myself to these destructive pleasures isn’t a good idea. In fact its a really bad one. A really really really bad one.

Learning goals

I want to learn physics, guitar and other misc. stuff (wherever my interests lead). After watching several interesting and suprisingly thoughtful presentations, I decided it is a good time to evaluate what I  to do, where I stand, why I think I failed and how to be more efficient. 

The tools:
Calendar. Scheduling things are important right? But there is an underlying assumption that the set of things that you want or have to do don’t change. Some of these changes are passing (waves or perhaps the tide to give an example). Some of these changes will be lasting. I have to be able tell them apart. Emotions also come into play here. Particularly depression; it saps away any motivation to follow a routine. The routine has failed. This assumes that a routine has been established and anything outside of it has not disturbed it or my emotional state. Lets deal with this simplified problem… I have to change the routine. There is no other way. Except this simplified problem is never representative of real life. A well-established sound routine is something I have to plan for and I have to persist whatever else attacks this routine. Then perhaps I can change my routine if it still does not satisfy all my ‘right’ desires. 

A keen mind. Sleep. Awakedness. Diet. Exercise. Related to scheduling but includes other things as well. A regular sleep schedule is important. Not too much not too little. All nighters? 1hr 30 min naps or power naps. When I am dead sleepy/tired or when I need a boost to keep going. Diet. Somehow it seems like I don’t have any nutrient deficiencies (the test that was conducted is almost certainly not comprehensive though but lets assume that those are the most important). I do lack protein and carbohydrates. I need to get them right. Exercise. Not too much I guess. I have too many things that I want to do concurrently and I can’t let one thing ruin the whole day. 

The structure/how to learn:

I have to get an intuitive understandings of the subject matter. I should be focused on a goal (i.e learn classical mechanics (perhaps even be capable of solving certain problems?) or learn a song). I let emotions get the better of me and that essentially wasted my life thus far. I need to control them. Memory techniques (fun story/connection), Ideas of how much time it will take to learn .etc are necessary for me to plan out my goals and schedule.

When do I learn and when do I think? Thats something I have yet to work out.

 

So, not a particularly structured write-up but It gives me the starting point. I have to figure out the heuristics, the subtleties and such from here on. Finally, there’s the problem of self-confidence. I need to develop it. 

Elon Musk and Blanchard if i rmbr correctly. Interesting anecdotes. What I learned ? Keep fit? Learn about people? too tired to logic

Efficiency and time

I have often cited my lack of time as a reason for my failings. But it could of course be that I have not perfected the art of efficient doings. Intuitively it seems that its a mix of both things but I will do well not to ignore either when picking my commitments. After a breakdown and a consequent flurry of forced reasoning, I have to learn to learn about these things and I have to formulate a working model soon. With my recent excitement in the formation of certain key opinions, I have to say that they do not have very good backings. Most are born of convenience. Some of feeling (Almost never good). I might have allowed myself to think that I could live with these carcasses but I have to realise that opinions should change with new knowledge and processing. And I should practise that. I keep thinking of my stupid actions I had done up until  now and fear irrationally that I will repeat them. I have irrational beliefs too. I am going to embark on quest to rationalize aspects of me that should be rationalised. Feelings lead to stupidity. Very rarely is that actually admissible.

Alot of things on my mind lately. Issues of money in relationships, Parenting/How what huh? do i tell my parents, Conformity/Creativity/Governance, Startups,?!?!?????!?!?!?  More specifically, how the fuck do I deal with staying over at people’s places?? Do I give them money? gifts? Or hope that they know that I would of course return the favour? Or that they shouldn’t be expecting such stuff if what they are displaying is genuine? Is it wrong to make use of people’s goodwill like that? I do not know the customs, their thoughts or what gifts to buy them (expensive? tacky? genuine?!?!????!?). I have seen relationships go to ruin because of gift ‘exchange’ or rather the use of gifts to barter a service. A trade cannot be sustained in a relationship when people are so ready to monetize and sell off their relationship. It hurts to see good intentions go to waste, disgustingly fake promises being made.  But the question is when to draw the line? I feel like that’s something I have to talk to someone about.

What should my parents know? Perhaps I have to characterise them with whatever knowledge I have before I can hope to tackle this question. I could attempt to draw on my limited and tainted memory or seek knowledge elsewhere (for example by talking to them? getting into the mind of an ‘Indian’ ? )

The other things on my mind seem to stem from curiousity to help quell some of the uncertainty that has been going around in my head. I do not like the courses I had taken. Very few of them were good and even then some of them were brought down by principles I detest. (A product of institutional policy or lack thereof?) From what I see, Georgia Tech does not have a strong ‘mission’ other than preparing people for jobs. Which happens to be incredibly depressing. Education should be a mixture of skills and knowledge of a broad kind. Learning how to trim branches off a tree only when using a ladder of immutable height is not really useful when the tree grows. The key here is to assume that the ladder off a different height is not easily attained without ummm broad knowledge. That was a bad analogy which hopefully i’ll fix sometime. That being said I cannot underestimate the creativity or potential of people at this institution. But seeing a shitty structure leak and punish all ‘mis-directed’ efforts is (depressing really but that is probably because I am depressed and so I will think of another adjective for the sake of variety and the hopes of me being in a better, varied state capable of multiple nuances of multiple emotions) saddening (Don’t judge me).

The ‘corporate’ ‘slave’. I am scared of becoming one and I am looking at startups as an alternative way to escape from this. Assumptions at this point are that I would be interested in a thing that could be monetised, startuping would be better than work in terms of what I want/ wish to accomplish. These are things I have to think about deeply, alongside the issue of what the fuck I actually want to do. I cannot hope to find answers to these incredibly urgent questions anytime soon. The urgency should not bring about a half-assed assessment of things but I have to go down either or both paths soon. I do hope that I will realise the point after which my personal experience would be what would help decide. I see that as a necesssary hope, a hope placed in myself who I believe to be the only thing I can trust in or forgive completely.

Sanshiro

Wonderful depiction of a time gone by, though the events, interactions and emotion are no less resonant, i feel, now than in the time of writing. The feelings of nostalgia, however, were inevitable. There was no sense that the story had been left unfinished. It was not an end of a life but rather an end of a line of things, an extended train of thought. Protrayed throughout was the tragedy of time slowing the ebbing of hope and the heart of a single thread of things.

The tones. An overarching tone was of nature’s transcendence over men. Of its’s intangible complexity. Illness, weather, the procession of days, nights, seasons, years. To seek control is foolishness. Harmony was the goal. Has it changed now in the modern era? The more we get closer to solving what seemed to be beyond comphrehension, we are presented with something greater in complexity, magnificence. Whether this will end, perhaps because of a limit on what we can know or what there is to know about the nature of this world and its inhabitants.

Society had the same transcendence over the characters in the book, albeit to a lesser effect. There were, however, ways to effectively escape society but it required a force of passion and thought. The slam of Nonomiya on the newspaper and its unstoppable effects was a prime example. Nonomiya’s nonchalance was acceptance. Perhaps even Mineko’s marriage could have been result of this. It appeared that the action to marry was forced unto her. There were also characters who attempted to be free from society’s workings, providing the contrasts that make this book so dear. The physicist who looked himself away in the basement. Yoshiko proudly proclaiming no man is right for her yet. Yogiro with his lovable and incredible nonchalance and resistance towards just about everything.

The melody and lyrics. The uncertainty that pervaded Sanshiro’s and Minkeo’s love. Perhaps the love was uncertain. But i like to think that the demands of love were too much for these young minds. One of the most insightful analogies was made through the telling of this thread. The painting being the traditional woman; the poem the traditional man. When in reality they were just stray sheep. That they were forced into the painting and poem was perhaps the greatest tragedy of all.

What happend to the west vs. east conflict? Seemed to end up as a circle jerk that the characters chose to mostly ignore. One must find himself through himself. Not through the marked paths that society displayed. Perhaps one’s path will match one taken by someone before, but despite all likelihood, diverge in the most subtle and significant of ways.

Problems and resolutions

To address a problem without bearing in mind its specificities is rabid foolishness. The specifics make the problem. Resolutions are specific and precise. They have to be. Logic requires expansive thought. Nothing should be overlooked. Assumptions should be clear. Motivations should be clear.

Ideologies clashing with one another in a dramatic and violent fashion. Belief mistaken for an irrefutable truth. Seeing such abstract concepts domineer over humans on such an inexplicably large scale is staggering. Reality yielding to the abstract;a prime example of dualism. The motive forces behind these extraordinary actions resonate amongst people with a constant undying stubborn persistence. Even as a physically removed observer I can’t help but be influenced by these forces.  I can’t help but wonder what I should believe in and be willingly enslaved to. 

Manifesto

On the pursuit of knowledge.

Towards the betterment of societal ills.

Contribute to the magnificent edifice that is knowledge.

Never restrict the scope, never lose the critical thought.

See distractions for what they are and treat them for what they are.

Practicalities shall give way to the pursuit.

Consume aesthetics.

Make one.